Guest Blog by Spencer Charles – A Journal by Emma Wells (Technically, a Cat)

Tall Emma - photo by Spencer Charles

       It is very difficult for a person in my position to gain the attention and respect of which any sentient being should expect as their due. I attribute this to my height. Were I taller, I feel, that the slights and injuries to which I am subjected every day, would be far more reasonable. To rectify this, I have been practicing. So far the results have been mixed, but one must endure and persist.

      My people mean well. They are nice. But being tall themselves, it is quite easy for them to overlook me, and in doing so, frequently to turn what I am sure they look upon as an act of kindness into that which borders upon wanton cruelty.

 

My brother, on the other hand, is an idiot. People seem to think he is eccentric and big hearted. They are incorrect. He is an idiot. To say that he means well, would be to imply that he thinks. To date I have seen no evidence of any such activity. It came therefore as a very cruel shock, when I discovered that my person, Janet, has had my brother, this semi-animated hairball, writing guest posts for her blog. [See”George’s Big Morning” September 23, 2018 and “Bonus Guest Blog” September 6, 2015]

 Not once, but twice! Twice! Once, one might grant as a momentary desperation so great to be willing to sacrifice one’s own self worth for whatever stick-figure, comic-strip, drawn-in-kitty-litter drivel that that semi-animated hairball was able to come up with. Possibly, although less likely, there was a case of mistaken identity. But, twice! One shudders to think what Jovian patience Janet must have had to conjure up in order to cope with reading through the scornful, vitriolic hate mail she must have received for subjecting the internet to such posts.

      Caring for my people, and the world at large, as I do, I can not but feel at least somewhat responsible. I have been asked, numerous times in the past, to help with providing a well penned word or two, invitations which I had always felt obliged to turn down. Had I known what the results of those refusals would be, I should not have been so quick. As tried and oppressed as I am by my boorish brother, clearly it is the rest of the world that needs protecting from him. My duty then is clear. Seeing that Janet is at the end of another short week and in need of a guest blog once again, I have offered myself up to provide a web-post-thingie in her (and definitely in my idiot brother’s) absence. It is the least that I can do.

      I must confess that I am not an avid consumer of “the internets.” Tweets are for birds, webs are for spiders; late romantic literature is more to my taste. However, the concept does not seem too hard. Having looked over Janet’s previous posts, her blog would seem to be a timely recounting of various daily events. That seems easy enough. Just last week, I lived through a Wednesday that, if not worthy of an Homerian Epic, should still prove quite grand in the telling. So, it is my great pleasure to provide you with an outline of it for your entertainment. Please enjoy.

Emma's Head in Toy Basket

4:00 am Ready for the start of a fast paced, hectic day. A large nourishing breakfast is required.

4:01 am Strange. All of my people seem to be asleep.

4:02 am My attempts to wake Janet and the Old Man Person have failed. This is quite intolerable.

5:37 am After a quick nap, I am awake again. Another quick circuit of the house reveals that all my people are still asleep.

5:38 am My idiot brother approaches. I quickly deter his advance with a savage beating about his vacuous head. He runs, chastised.

5:39 am Success! In search of comfort, my idiot brother has awoken the Old Man Person.

5:41 am Morning sustenance has been obtained. Now, there is just enough time for a quick nap in the hallway.

6:47 am Emergency! Panic! All of my people have awoken and are trying to WALK THROUGH THE HALLWAY! WITH SHOES ON!!!

6:48 am I have finished administering reprimands. All seem appropriately chastened.

6:50 am I have arrived at the living room couch.

6:51 am After a great expenditure of effort, I have enlisted the assistance of the Young Person. He has cleaned the sofa of unwanted pillows and lifted me up onto it. Working from experience, I have deftly cut off his attempts to escape and convinced him to sit down and commence with the petting. Perfect.

7:05 am The petting has stopped for some reason. Did the Young Person hurt his arm? No matter. It was about time for a quick nap anyway.

9:57 am I awake to find that the Young Person is gone and that my idiot brother has taken his place. I administer a head beating as a corrective.

Two Cats on the Sofa

10:10 am Time to curl up on the rug on the floor of the guest room, just so. It has to be just so, so that one eye can be kept on the door to the hallway, and the other closed while taking a quick nap.

10:30 am Success! The Young Person tried to sneak past me! He has however been stopped. Time to be picked up, placed on the guest room bed and petted.

10:49 am The petting has stopped. There must be something wrong with the Young Person’s arm. Perhaps the Old Man Person should take him to the vet.

1:09 pm After another quick nap, time for LUNCH.

1:10 pm My idiot brother is at the food bowl. He isn't eating. He is staring at me.

1:11 pm He is still staring at me.

1:12 pm Outrageous. Just as I start to eat, the IMBECILE STARTS LICKING MY HEAD. This is intolerable.

1:13 pm I give up and let him have the food bowl. The idiot starts to eat. Apparently he is hungry now. Fine. I will get some refreshing water instead.

1:14 pm NOO!!! MORE LICKING! That’s it! I can't take anymore.

1:15 pm I have retreated to the bed in the loft where no one will think to look for me. I clean my head thoroughly. Maybe I will just lie down for a quick little nap.

3:30 pm Still thirsty. Time to sneak downstairs, just so. It is a manner that will guarantee that no one will hear the gong like, resonating tones as I drop from stair to metal stair.

3:31 pm Arrival. All my people and the idiot seem oblivious. Success!

3:35 pm Refreshment acquired, it seems like time for a quick nap in Janet’s room.

5:35 pm The Old Man Person is yelling? What is going on?

5:37 pm They forgot to call me for dinner! Imbeciles.

5:45 pm Janet is ignoring me. I need petted. I know she can see me. I am right here on my blanket beside her chair. Hello? This is intolerable.

5:46 pm Janet is not responding to my good natured attempts to maul her arm. Fine. I will take a nap instead.

6:38 pm Refreshed. Now, it’s time to get up into Janet's lap!

6:49 pm Still on the floor. This is intolerable.

9:07 pm Awoken by the Old Man Person calling me. What? No! It is not time to go to bed with Janet! She was ignoring me! She can sleep by herself!

9:08 pm WHY AM I BEING PICKED UP?!? THIS IS INTOLERABLE.

9:10 pm In bed with Janet, receiving pets. What a day!

FIN.

Emma Napping in Yoga Twist Pose